There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
