I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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