You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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