i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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