I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
