Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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