don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He passed out mid-signature
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Randomize
