dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
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