two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
