I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
