Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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