ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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