Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
