Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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