The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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