i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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