i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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