You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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