Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
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