Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
