so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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