So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
