I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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