Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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