i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
