i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
