you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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