I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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