She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
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Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
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I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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