Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
