No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
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hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
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I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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