You can't motorboat a personality
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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