I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
