I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
