This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
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work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
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Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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