Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You left your phone here
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