you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
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