it hurts more in the daytime
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
