Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
