And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Someone shit on the floor
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
