Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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