cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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