I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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