Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I think my moral compass just broke
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize