"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
