nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
