you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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