my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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