I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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