Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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