I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
