Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
