Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
