Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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