I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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