Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
