Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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