I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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