my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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