If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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